Crossway has just published a provocative book:
Voddie T. Baucham Jr. What He Must Be: …If He Wants to Marry My Daughter. Wheaton: Crossway, 2009. [PDF of chapter 1]
Baucham explains what this book is about (p. 9):
My desire in this book is to kill two birds with one stone. First, I want to lay out a clear, balanced, realistic, biblical picture of what moms and dads should be looking for on behalf of their daughters and seeking to produce in their sons. . . .
In addition, I want to provide a road map for men who have a desire to lead their families biblically but simply do not know how.
He concludes (p. 206),
I intend to walk my daughter down the aisle one day. When I do, the minister is going to ask, “Who gives this woman to be married?” If I am going to answer, “I do” with a clear conscience, then I simply have no choice but to invest significant time into vetting any potential suitor. I cannot give my approval of a man whom God’s Word disqualifies. I love my daughter too much. I love my grandchildren too much. But most importantly, I love my Lord too much to settle for less.
The book is provocative in at least two ways: content and tone.
- Content: Baucham holds no punches when he describes what he thinks biblical manhood involves.
- Tone: Baucham is bold, confident, and direct. This is often refreshing, but to people in some contexts, this dogmatism will not be well received.
Noteworthy
- Baucham explains his view of “multigenerational legacy.” He has a very strong testimony after coming out of a legacy of fatherlessness in the black community.
- He discusses the importance of marriage, addressing the parents’ responsibility to train their children for marriage. He compares it to the way parents prepare their children for academic success.
- He attacks traditional dating and argues for courtship.
- He argues that a marriageable man must be committed to “having children,” “investing in children,” and “supporting children” (pp. 123–38).
- He challenges fathers to protect their daughters’ purity, heart, focus, future spouse, and hope (pp. 159–75).
- He is more interested in finding “God’s man” than a black man for his daughter (p. 204). His sound discussion of racism with reference to marriage (pp. 195–205) disapprovingly quotes John R. Rice and mentions Bob Jones University’s former ban on “interracial” dating (p. 200).
- He criticizes Sarah Palin’s VP run (p. 92).
- He positively quotes Charles Finney, the Pelagian false teacher (p. 24).
- His tone can sound like “We must reclaim traditional American values!” rather than “We must be gospel-centered!”
Free book
I’ll send a free book to the two fathers with the most unmarried daughters. Just reply in the comments by 9 PM EST on March 3.
I only have one unmarried daughter and she’s only 8.5, so feel free to give it someone else, but it never hurts to enter!
-Matt Mitchell
This look like it will be an interesting read with a refreshing perspective. Thanks for the review.
I have one unmarried daughter and a potential daughter on the way. (“Potential”=we recently found out that number two is on the way, and it’s too early to know the gender.) You can tally me at 1.5 unmarried daughters.
Only one, but the man she marries will have to be vetted : )
We’ve really enjoyed some of his other writings and sermons, too; look forward to reading this book, as well.
We have three unmarried daughters, ages 6, 2, and 5 months.
Andy,
I have four unmarried daughters: 23, 22, 19, & 17. However, that’s about to change. My 22 year old is getting married in May.
Andy,
We have four daughters, ages 6, 4, 3, and 1. No need to send the book if I win- I already have it. Just wanted to boast that I have four wonderful daughters that I pray will one day marry godly men who will lead them and love them well.
In light of the fact that I will be giving four daughters away to future godly men- perhaps you could encourage families with multiple sons to be reading this book by giving one away to them as well!
Thanks for the post. It motivates me to read the book and discuss it with Jen.
Four—ages 11, 9, 7, and 5—which means I’ll not need to consider this topic for a good 20 years. :)
I have 4 (maybe 5, but let’s keep quiet about that since we haven’t announced it yet) unmarried daughters… with many more to come we hope.
I am a little concerned that Voddie’s perspective has indeed eclipsed the gospel in many of today’s churches. There seems to be a movement that assumes the gospel and promotes his approach to child rearing/courtship as a test of fellowship (as you hinted at in the last of your bullets in the conclusion of your post).
Thoughts from an “unmarried daughter”: I’m a little disturbed at being described as though I am the personal property of first my father and then my (hypothetical) husband. Certainly patriarchy of this sort is described in the Bible, but is it endorsed any more than slavery is? Why is it that a daughter’s suitors must be “vetted,” but a son’s choice is his own?
It seems as though four is a popular number right now! My wife and I have four unmarried daughters – 11, 10, 8, and 3 – along with two sons. Chris, I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have to consider this topic for twenty years! But then again, it is exciting to see our children blossom into all that God has for their lives.
Dear Becca,
Thanks for your comment. Here are a couple of points in response:
1. Referring to a father’s “unmarried daughter” is not parallel to slavery. It’s merely highlighting a father’s responsibility.
2. I don’t mean to imply that ladies need not be vetted or that “a son’s choice is his own.” The post doesn’t mention that aspect because the book is specifically about another aspect of this multifaceted issue.
“He challenges fathers to protect their daughters’ purity, heart, focus, future spouse, and hope (pp. 159–75).”
What Biblical support does he use to lay this burden on fathers?
Becca,
You are right that a son’s parents should carefully consider their son’s potential wife as well—I know my in-laws thoroughly “vetted” me!
I think the point of this book is that it is a father’s responsibility to protect his daughter and not just allow her to marry the first “nice guy” who comes along. It would be interested to read What a Girl Must Be . . . If She Wants to Marry My Son!
Jenni Naselli
Dear Monica,
That’s a fair question, but I simply don’t have time to answer.
The text of the book should be up on the Crossway site soon as they do for all their books. (Click the word “Crossway” in the bibliographic info at the very top of this post.)
Your question is tied to broader issues of what constitutes biblical manhood and womanhood. On that issue, I warmly recommend the CBMW and the book edited by Piper and Grudem. (See the sixth item on this page.)
Thanks for the responses. I guess I’m having trouble getting past an initial assumption necessary for what I take to be Baucham’s view (and maybe I should read the book to find out): why is it the father’s job to “vet” at all–for daughters or for sons? I point out the focus on daughters only because I think its interesting that there seems to always be a disparate amount of attention on the daughters in this area.
I was not trying to draw a parallel between patriarchy and slavery, just make an analogy. The argument that fathers are responsible for choosing (or at least approving) mates for their children usually seems be that “that’s how they did it in the Bible.” But if something is approved as “biblical” simply because it is described in the Bible, I don’t think mine would be the only theology that would have to change significantly! Maybe Baucham makes a better argument for his foundational premise?
Another Four–ages 4, 3, 2, and 10 months.
Thanks for the review, Andy.
Well, the book contest is over, and six people tied for first place, each with four unmarried daughters:
1. Chris Anderson
2. Shane Bradley
3. Jeff Brewer
4. Jeremy Farmer
5. Jason Parker
6. John Taylor
Since I have only two books to give away, I’ve randomly chosen two from these six:
1. Jeff Brewer
2. Chris Anderson
Enjoy!