Reflecting on Job 16–17, D. A. Carson observes,
There is a way of using theology and theological arguments that wounds rather than heals. This is not the fault of theology and theological arguments; it is the fault of the “miserable comforter” who fastens on an inappropriate fragment of truth, or whose timing is off, or whose attitude is condescending, or whose application is insensitive, or whose true theology is couched in such culture-laden clichés that they grate rather than comfort. In times of extraordinary stress and loss, I have sometimes received great encouragement and wisdom from other believers; I have also sometimes received extraordinary blows from them, without any recognition on their part that that was what they were delivering. Miserable comforters were they all.
Such experiences, of course, drive me to wonder when I have wrongly handled the Word and caused similar pain. It is not that there is never a place for administering the kind of scriptural admonition that rightly induces pain: justified discipline is godly (Heb. 12:5–11). The tragic fact, however, is that when we cause pain by our application of theology to someone else, we naturally assume the pain owes everything to the obtuseness of the other party. It may, it may—but at the very least we ought to examine ourselves, our attitudes, and our arguments very closely lest we simultaneously delude ourselves and oppress others.
–D. A. Carson, For the Love of God: A Daily Companion for Discovering the Riches of God’s Word (vol. 2; Wheaton: Crossway, 1999), entry for February 17. (This book is available for free as a PDF from TGC.)
I compiled lists of what to say and not to say to people who are suffering in an address on the logical and emotional problems of evil. Abbreviated forms of those two lists occur at the end of this four-page essay. Would you add anything to those lists?
Andy,
Thank you for posting this. Last Sunday, my wife and I buried our second son, Reuben Samuel Winston. He was born 22 weeks premature and lived about 30 minutes. I found this post very helpful and timely. I wouldn’t add anything to your lists (they are very good and reflect careful thought), but I would highlight the ones that have been particularly helpful to us. On the list of things not to say, #’s 3 and 5. On the list of things to say and do, #’s 3 (in my opinion, this one is the best source of comfort and most tangible demonstration of love), 5, 8, 9, and 12. God bless!
RW
Thanks for sharing that, Richard. Grace to you!
Thanks for the helpful article Andy, but I would add that some of the things in your list of things to do and say, would seem to me to fit in the category of things probably to NOT do or say (such as #2, 4, and 7). I have continued to suffer from debilitating pain over the last more than three months and have found the ‘help’ that my fellow Christians have offered has tended to be to try to ‘fix’ my pain, rather than to offer comfort (without trying to fix), compassion, and simply being with you through life’s pain. The same was true when my wife and I went through two miscarriages within a 5 month span. There were many of Job’s comforters there to ‘help’ us and all we needed were people to weep and pray with us. Thank you for the reminder that the Gospel belongs to the real world of evil, pain and suffering.
Thanks, Rick. That underscores that no list will be infallibly comprehensive for all people without exception!
The items you mention come from a helpful book I mention earlier in the essay: John Feinberg, Where Is God? A Personal Story of Finding God in Grief and Suffering (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2004).
Andy,
Thanks for linking your essay. This issue is a very weighty one indeed, and is one that we all have (or likely will) face at some point in our lives. And I will preface this response by stating that I in no way whatsoever mean to minimize the pain and suffering experienced by those who read this. On the contrary:
I would like to make an observation. In the ‘things not to say’, you mention #7-Rom 8:28. While I agree that–as written–this is an unsympathetic presentation of the passage, but in context (and presented sympathetically and appropriately) the whole of chapter 8 is a wonderful comfort to those Christians who are experiencing suffering and loss! In this chapter, Paul unpacks what benefits flow from our being united to Christ, that our present sufferings do not compare to the weight of eternal glory that is ours through Christ, and the monergistic work of God in foreknowing, predestinating, calling, justifying and glorifying us. He then ends with a pretty extensive list of things (all-inclusive) that cannot separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. I take great comfort in this, and would hope that, by God’s grace, I can rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep, and offer His word as comfort to others when they need it.
In addition, after listing Rom 8:28 as a ‘do not use’, you then list as an example of ‘things to say’, #5 “God is good.” Very true, but would it not be prudent to go to His word and show how this is true? (a la Romans 8) Having said that, I have been guilty of using isolated ‘Scripture soundbites’ as a poor substitute for comfort rather than explicating God’s word in the genuine relational context of a studied and caring response to someone who is suffering. And I agree whole-heartedly that this ‘soundbiting’ does little to comfort those who are suffering, and may in fact further their pain.
As you stated in your conclusion, “The right response is to
affirm what God says in the Bible and trust Him—
even if we cannot exhaustively explain every facet
of it.” Amen! I may just be nit-picking between this quote and the specifics of what you offer in the “do’s and dont’s.”
I appreciate your blog and the article, and hope that you take no offense to this response, as certainly none is intended.
A brother in Christ,
Richie
Some initial thoughts for you after my bout with cancer.
What not to say:
* “How do you feel?” OK, so sometimes this is a good question. But I tired quickly of trying to answer this question. I asked Danny if it would be all right for me to wear a T-shirt that read, “Like crap. Thanks for asking!”
What to say:
* “I love you.” Show me your love, sure, but tell me.
* “God loves you.” For those of us who believe that God controls all, the battle we fight is whether God actually cares for us.
Blessings!
Matthew
I was at the funeral home on Father’s Day 15 years ago making arrangements for the funeral for my 2 year old son who had been struck by an automobile in Louisville and killed the day before.
The best preparation for this tragedy was learning beforehand that God is sovereign, and rules over the world, including disasters, for his glory and the good of his people. Even the kindest reminder of the good purposes of God is likely to be taken as cruel by the person untrained before tragedy, while even the stiffest truth can be accepted gracefully when we have previously come to embrace the truth that “famine, nakedness, peril, sword, etc.” are part of God working all things together for our good.
I thank God profusely for bringing me to understand providence 4 months before my son’s death. The lesson for us is to faithfully teach these truths to God’s people consistently, so that when tragedy strikes, we are simply reminding them of a truth they have already come to understand and love. If the foundation has not been laid, perhaps the best we can do is love them gently in their pain. While they can still come to know and love the truth of God’s gracious providence, it is probably too late at that point for this truth to carry them through this particular tragedy. Teach them beforehand, if at all possible!