This book releases today:

Bunmi Laditan. The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting. New York: Scribner, 2013.

I follow @HonestToddler on Twitter because it’s so entertaining, especially since my wife and I care for three little children.

The central theme in all the tweets and throughout the book is that toddlers are the center of their universe and have an unchecked sense of entitlement. (And it’s convicting to think that we adults can be the same way but with a little more sophistication.)

The book isn’t the type you’ll want to read cover-to-cover in one sitting. It’s something you may want to dip into occasionally for a laugh.

33 excerpts:

1. Toddlers are misunderstood and the one in your life is probably disappointed in you. (p. 1)
2. The worst part about running errands is that actual running is discouraged. (p. 6)
3. We can hear you; we are just not interested. (p. 8)
4. Adults spend 80 percent of their lives pretending to care about people that matter very little to them (Facebook). (p. 10)
5. Sharing is stupid. . . . Sharing is a socially accepted form of theft. (pp. 14–15)
6. The only time a toddler can be injured is when a parent views the accident. The gaze of a parent is like kryptonite and immediately weakens the child. (p. 20)
7. If you’re so dedicated to having a calm dinner experience, why did you have children in the first place? (p. 31)
8. People you don’t know are always full of ideas about raising a child they’ve never met. (p. 34)
9. I love my parents, but I love my grandparents. They know how to treat a person. Your toddler should spend as much time as possible with his grandma and grandpa in order to be loved properly. (p. 35)
10. Grandmas are moms without all the judgment. (p. 36)
11. Salad breaks hearts on a daily basis. (p. 51)
12. Pouring one third of a sippy cup of juice and cutting it with lukewarm tap water is disrespectful and shows that you know nothing about friendship. (p. 60)
13. Most of your toddler’s food problems have been caused by poor parenting. (p. 64)
14. Seeing another toddler sitting quietly in his cart reading a newspaper will make you think there is something wrong with your child. Don’t compare, because that child is probably sick. You don’t know anything about him. He could be a spy. Pointing at this dummy while saying to your child, “Why can’t you act like that?” is Level 10 wrong. (p. 69)
15. STOP BEING SELFISH. You’ve had your whole adult life to sleep. Rest time is over. (p. 77)
16. Do not expect your toddler to stay asleep for longer than two to three hours at a time. (p. 79)
17. Toddler Rule: one minute of car sleep = one hour of bed sleep. (p. 88)
18. [Facebook] is the go-to website for parents seeking congratulation. (p. 98)
19. You can’t love your toddler and think about your own needs at the same time. (p. 114)
20. If [on Saturdays] you sit on the couch like you’re an iPhone on a charging dock, it will force your toddler to throw your debit card in the trash again. (p. 151)
21. The most common recipe [for smoothies] calls for three parts ice cream to one part juice. (p. 169)
22. If you pick up strangers from the airport, they should never be seated next to your toddler. (p. 175)
23. Church/Synagogue/Mosques/Any Places of Worship [a toddler “danger zone”]: Children under four have only one volume level: disruptive. Our vocal cords are not capable of whispering. (p. 181)
24. [on story time at the public library] “What sound does a duck make?” Who cares? When will I need to know that? How is this knowledge of barnyard animals and their corresponding noises going to improve my life? (pp. 182–83)
25. There is NOTHING more exhilarating than hearing an adult you love pursue you. The footsteps pounding behind you as your heart races, the frantic calls becoming shrieks. The final moment before they grab you by the midsection and swoop you into their arms. (p. 186)
26. Make sure the stroller isn’t too heavy, as most of the time you’ll be holding your child in your arms while pushing it. (p. 187)
27. Stop counting to three. Nobody’s scared. What are you going to do after you get to three? Freeze time? (p. 188)
28. If you knew how you look when you’re enforcing rules, you’d stop. Your face takes on a werewolf-esque snarl. And you actually smell different (like trash in the summer). (p. 188)
29. Socialization is not a real reason to enroll your child in school. Toddlers will learn to pretend they like people on their own time. (p. 190)
30. Popular Medicine Avoidance Methods . . . Sit-and-spit: . . . It starts with faux compliance. When the parent figure lets down his guard, the child spits the medicine in his face or lets it drip out of her mouth. So funny. (p. 198)
31. Did someone tell you that vacations are supposed to be relaxing? That’s hilarious. (p. 209)
32. Hotel sleep is like home sleep but less. Forget everything you know about bedtime, because in hotels, kids don’t fall asleep; they pass out around midnight and wake up at five A.M. (p. 212)
33. Toddlers feel most powerful after eating doughnuts. (p. 230)

11 Related Resources:

1. This Is How We Pray for Our Children
2. Give Them Jesus: Parenting with the Gospel
3. Douglas Wilson on Parenting
4. A Security Camera for Parents
5. Bible Memory for Young Children
6. The Pilgrim’s Progress for Children
7. A Good Bible-Story Book with Thousands of Pictures
8. The New City Catechism and 5 Related Resources
9. C. S. Lewis Letters to Children
10. Ten Narnia Resources
11. Ten Resources for Enjoying Tolkien’s The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings