What not to say:
* “How do you feel?” OK, so sometimes this is a good question. But I tired quickly of trying to answer this question. I asked Danny if it would be all right for me to wear a T-shirt that read, “Like crap. Thanks for asking!”

What to say:
* “I love you.” Show me your love, sure, but tell me.
* “God loves you.” For those of us who believe that God controls all, the battle we fight is whether God actually cares for us.

Blessings!
Matthew

Thanks for linking your essay. This issue is a very weighty one indeed, and is one that we all have (or likely will) face at some point in our lives. And I will preface this response by stating that I in no way whatsoever mean to minimize the pain and suffering experienced by those who read this. On the contrary:

I would like to make an observation. In the ‘things not to say’, you mention #7-Rom 8:28. While I agree that–as written–this is an unsympathetic presentation of the passage, but in context (and presented sympathetically and appropriately) the whole of chapter 8 is a wonderful comfort to those Christians who are experiencing suffering and loss! In this chapter, Paul unpacks what benefits flow from our being united to Christ, that our present sufferings do not compare to the weight of eternal glory that is ours through Christ, and the monergistic work of God in foreknowing, predestinating, calling, justifying and glorifying us. He then ends with a pretty extensive list of things (all-inclusive) that cannot separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. I take great comfort in this, and would hope that, by God’s grace, I can rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep, and offer His word as comfort to others when they need it.

In addition, after listing Rom 8:28 as a ‘do not use’, you then list as an example of ‘things to say’, #5 “God is good.” Very true, but would it not be prudent to go to His word and show how this is true? (a la Romans 8) Having said that, I have been guilty of using isolated ‘Scripture soundbites’ as a poor substitute for comfort rather than explicating God’s word in the genuine relational context of a studied and caring response to someone who is suffering. And I agree whole-heartedly that this ’soundbiting’ does little to comfort those who are suffering, and may in fact further their pain.

As you stated in your conclusion, “The right response is to
affirm what God says in the Bible and trust Him—
even if we cannot exhaustively explain every facet
of it.” Amen! I may just be nit-picking between this quote and the specifics of what you offer in the “do’s and dont’s.”

I appreciate your blog and the article, and hope that you take no offense to this response, as certainly none is intended.

A brother in Christ,

Richie

The items you mention come from a helpful book I mention earlier in the essay: John Feinberg, Where Is God? A Personal Story of Finding God in Grief and Suffering (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2004).

Thank you for posting this. Last Sunday, my wife and I buried our second son, Reuben Samuel Winston. He was born 22 weeks premature and lived about 30 minutes. I found this post very helpful and timely. I wouldn’t add anything to your lists (they are very good and reflect careful thought), but I would highlight the ones that have been particularly helpful to us. On the list of things not to say, #’s 3 and 5. On the list of things to say and do, #’s 3 (in my opinion, this one is the best source of comfort and most tangible demonstration of love), 5, 8, 9, and 12. God bless!

RW